Stay wild, Stay free
Let no one tell what to be or not to be!
Be made of fire, be enchanted
Let yourself be the magic that exists, never taken for granted!
Be a myth, a legend, maybe a story untold
Let no one tell you what you may or may not behold!
Be the star and the stargazer, be your own light
Let every ungodly mouth be another reason for all your might!
– Mum (Yashasvi K.)
I cannot begin to tell you…
How much I knew
That he & I had allied souls,
Allied in terms of wrath and warmth.
The kind that would come around once,
Once in a gazillion years.
And it dazzled me,
The way we were synced,
Synced without trying.
It was implausible to see,
That every sunset spent together,
The universe would witness two souls,
Turning to the color – sinful black!
It’s a pity you aren’t here with me at this moment
Or you weren’t there in those,
That I am surer than you would be for yourself,
You would want to be in with me more than you want anything else,
In all my travel stories, or cafes I went by, or the roads I traveled, or the oceans I drowned in,
Across countries and borders, warzones and conflicted lanes, woods and skyscrapers,
Everything, anything, and nothing!
There is a part of me that has stopped trying,
Stopped forcing myself to believe it was just another passing wave,
Like a million others I have tamed!
No.
Not really, it isn’t ‘love’ either, I don’t do love.
It was something else, something I’m yet to name,
But when I do think of a fitting word for it,
I’ll write.
I’ll write around, and about it.
I am less consumed by the absence of you and more by what I was when I was with you,
It overwhelms me.
I don’t have the time to stomp my feet through the vacancy, there is none.
I’m too full of the moves I made at every swirl of those fingers around my curves and lines,
Too full of my aggravated blood that pumped through each inch of me at the sudden push and pulls.
Too full of the music I heard and the books I read, through the days and nights of burning one day at a time.
I’m too full of me, seamlessly screwed,
But then, aren’t we all.
If or If not, you know me,
I may come across confusing. My disposition is fiddly, one that does not agree with me. I have concluded I am my best debate, my love for being logically argumentative has brought me here.
You either convince me with a very strong argument coupled with logical reasoning or let it go. Don’t sound like the butcher who tries to convince you that there is a better life after death, so let me kill you. Just tell me I taste good and hence; you’d like to cook me. Easy!
Am I the only one who while in a fight, silently inside the head, thinks about the points another person can make to give me a rebuttal and feel, oh my god if I was at your place this is what I would have said to me? I mean, c’mon, notch up.
When you are dealing with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder – for the one’s who don’t know it), one of the biggest changes that would come your way is the loss of will. Loss of will to try and convince anyone for anything, even the opinions they might have of you, that are completely irrational. Like in my case, I don’t care anymore what you or anyone else would think of me, you understand and respect my space, you are more than welcome. If you do not get it, you know the way to the door, show yourself out. Don’t bother waking me up, I wouldn’t even see you off, I’ll probably not even notice you are gone.
It is okay, you are okay, there is no need to burden yourself with the responsibility of changing the frog into a prince, he probably deserves it.
My disposition is paradoxical,
I love being alone, I am very outgoing.
I am incessantly loud, also very noiseless.
My mood is dictated by the people and environment around me, or none of it at all.
And I am now okay with being this human,
Acceptance has made life easy, very easy.
I know you relate to it, or maybe someday you will!
Your picture from what I last remember is framed like a canvas, oils, maybe even a plain white frame with hues of bottle greens!
Surprise me this time, with something I seek from you! It feels like ages, since I met myself the last time, I look forward to finding myself in you.
In the white sheets of the shivering nights,
maybe in the age-old rum and coke,
Maybe in the night of a crescent moon of mental sins and the thick smoke!
Or in the day dreams of my unfinished businesses, I hope I find myself in you. Manali, when I see you next, blanket me and my adrenaline rushes, my maddening spikes to have it all and nothing, at the same time.
Oh, how I have missed your snow blankets, how I have wanted to get lost in you, and so shall I.
I’ll leave the capital hopeful, and I anticipate you have waited for me like I have!
So long, Manali!
I can hear you, love, from the contour of that dusk
Do your pretty mental laces still arrest you in the social typecast,
Or have you now tricked your mind into believing, what you must?
Do your mountains still rise in the tragic gloomy nights?
Or your flowers now do not seek that honey-soaked might.
Has your Harley now stopped seeking its Joker?
Or does that wisdom tooth ever tell you, get up and fight!
Oh, tell me the wind still blows in the same direction,
That the lighthouse hasn’t frozen to death!
Let it once again swift pass those shores,
Catch the soul that hasn’t succumbed to its last breath!
Lying on the white burning surface of the virtual skin,
There she was scanning the mental unorthodox memories of her mind.
For her enlightenment on self love came
On a sunny summer morning of 2020!
But, it came with a clause of a struggles,
Struggles to accept her,
Like the changing seasons of
indifference and warmth,
To scoop her out of a negotiated hell,
The one she later decided to rein in,
And she did, Oh & How!
To my surprise, I think for the longest time I have detoured from the idea of entirely prioritizing myself (I do believe in doing that, entirely, yes).
Especially after a few turns of events in my life I have gotten surer about how much I want to put myself first (and I will) and stop thinking about the innumerable ‘what if’s’, not anymore. My brows have turned sore from squinching at the idea of what he/she/others would feel about this decision of mine. Frankly, I am done.
I have started to focus completely on myself, and on how to not hit a break-even point in my life, which I kind of did feel a few times in the last few months. Maybe the lockdown, the pandemic, the constant negative vibe from the universe, whatever, just decided to shut the door on its face and swing away.
The door will remain shut till I gain my sanity and the energy to fight back, again. I want space as much as I need to touch. I want silence as much as I need noise. I want a fair trial as much as I need a bias. I want things and I do not want them too. I mean, honestly, I feel this is normal. I don’t think I’ll be able to ever achieve this complete ‘I am at this side of the grass’ situation. I will always have two different reactions to the same situation, but maybe with different people, and that’s just human (isn’t it?).
I have circled the sun 30 times, and have had about 60 odd equinoxes (hopefully), physically and mentally both. And that’s the only kind of balance I have successfully achieved, thanks to science. For the rest of my days, I’m still balancing my life on my heart-piercing pencil heels avoiding one Achilles’ after another.
Sometimes there will be an urge to push it away
Push what you want so bad, away.
Not because now you don’t want it anymore
But because it’s overwhelming.
It’s overwhelming to know you can want something so much, again
An idea of ‘so much’ is scary.
You’ve lost your way and returned surprisingly sane once – from wanting something ‘so much’
So now gambling your sanity over the ‘so much’ feels like a waste.
Why change the people around you?
When you can change the people around you!
Be A Paradox 