My Nia, I don’t call you this for nothing. You dazzle my world! You are the silver line of my cloud, and that’s all you need to know. Cheers to your first equinox. To you & I. I hope you grow up to be fiercer, sharper, and more unforgiving than your mum ever was. You’ll need it. Thank me later!
I was born with you, the same morning,
The one in which I realized I would rip myself open for you!
The moment you were placed on me, I knew, I have my albatross!
And at the risk of sounding cliché,
I miss my time with me, my body, I miss being able to sip my poison too!
But I don’t miss the person I was before you!
You feel like my heart was cut out of my chest and placed on me!
The sleepless nights with you feel right, You feel right!
If you’re deluded that it was love that kept you going, no it wasn’t!
Let me enlighten you! Contrary to popular belief, I have always understood love as just another emotion, in-fact in my head rage is stronger than love. People push their limits harder in rage than in love, don’t trust me? Go back into your life and reiterate.
Love is given so much weightage because it carries many more essential, far-significant, and nerve-wracking chemical reactions in your head. And that’s that. It acts as an escape, a reason to vent, a permanent shoulder to cry on, self-consuming and nasty make outs, opening up without the fear of being judged, and a long list of other perks. So honestly, no love keeps you going, it’s the transactional benefits that keep you going.
A part of me was glad, I haven’t had a transactional, self-benefiting experience. However, I’ve had a loud and clear – Oh God, I want you! – kind of experience. And I wouldn’t trade that for something as small as love.
Personally, if I’m in a narrative, it would open with,
“If you still have a space permanently in my head, it’s not because there was love. It is because your actions enraged me and so did mine. Because I touched the dragon and made love with its spitting fire while it burned my nights and days for senseless hours, till our bodies turned into a fragrant carcass. I fought, screamed, and scratched the mental peace out of you, and so did you. I had found content metaphorically, literally, and rhetorically.”
So, honestly quit it, you can’t convince me and neither can I. Not on love is bigger than want for you and want is bigger than love for me. We do more things out of want than we do out of love. A raging desperate want, in my head is a purer emotion, far stronger than love.
You live through sunsets and I through sunrises. We are different, in ways hard to comprehend. So, for us to co-exist in one moment, together, even for a few seconds, it would take the sun, the moon, the stars, and the universe itself to align. Or maybe, just take a tans-Atlantic flight, the dawn and dusk co-exist beautifully (I say it with personal experience), and a for a few minutes you’ll know what I mean.
If you don’t make me angry, you don’t matter. Easy!
I cannot begin to tell you… How much I knew That he & I had allied souls, Allied in terms of wrath and warmth. The kind that would come around once, Once in a gazillion years. And it dazzled me, The way we were synced, Synced without trying. It was implausible to see, That every sunset spent together, The universe would witness two souls, Turning to the color – sinful black!
I may come across confusing. My disposition is fiddly, one that does not agree with me. I have concluded I am my best debate, my love for being logically argumentative has brought me here.
You either convince me with a very strong argument coupled with logical reasoning or let it go. Don’t sound like the butcher who tries to convince you that there is a better life after death, so let me kill you. Just tell me I taste good and hence; you’d like to cook me. Easy!
Am I the only one who while in a fight, silently inside the head, thinks about the points another person can make to give me a rebuttal and feel, oh my god if I was at your place this is what I would have said to me? I mean, c’mon, notch up.
When you are dealing with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder – for the one’s who don’t know it), one of the biggest changes that would come your way is the loss of will. Loss of will to try and convince anyone for anything, even the opinions they might have of you, that are completely irrational. Like in my case, I don’t care anymore what you or anyone else would think of me, you understand and respect my space, you are more than welcome. If you do not get it, you know the way to the door, show yourself out. Don’t bother waking me up, I wouldn’t even see you off, I’ll probably not even notice you are gone. It is okay, you are okay, there is no need to burden yourself with the responsibility of changing the frog into a prince, he probably deserves it.
My disposition is paradoxical, I love being alone, I am very outgoing. I am incessantly loud, also very noiseless. My mood is dictated by the people and environment around me, or none of it at all. And I am now okay with being this human, Acceptance has made life easy, very easy.
I know you relate to it, or maybe someday you will!
Your picture from what I last remember is framed like a canvas, oils, maybe even a plain white frame with hues of bottle greens!
Surprise me this time, with something I seek from you! It feels like ages, since I met myself the last time, I look forward to finding myself in you.
In the white sheets of the shivering nights,
maybe in the age-old rum and coke,
Maybe in the night of a crescent moon of mental sins and the thick smoke!
Or in the day dreams of my unfinished businesses, I hope I find myself in you. Manali, when I see you next, blanket me and my adrenaline rushes, my maddening spikes to have it all and nothing, at the same time.
Oh, how I have missed your snow blankets, how I have wanted to get lost in you, and so shall I.
I’ll leave the capital hopeful, and I anticipate you have waited for me like I have!
Lying on the white burning surface of the virtual skin, There she was scanning the mental unorthodox memories of her mind. For her enlightenment on self love came On a sunny summer morning of 2020! But, it came with a clause of a struggles, Struggles to accept her, Like the changing seasons of indifference and warmth, To scoop her out of a negotiated hell, The one she later decided to rein in, And she did, Oh & How!