The Disposition Paradox & GAD!

If or If not, you know me,

I may come across confusing. My disposition is fiddly, one that does not agree with me. I have concluded I am my best debate, my love for being logically argumentative has brought me here.

You either convince me with a very strong argument coupled with logical reasoning or let it go. Don’t sound like the butcher who tries to convince you that there is a better life after death, so let me kill you. Just tell me I taste good and hence; you’d like to cook me. Easy!

Am I the only one who while in a fight, silently inside the head, thinks about the points another person can make to give me a rebuttal and feel, oh my god if I was at your place this is what I would have said to me? I mean, c’mon, notch up.

When you are dealing with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder – for the one’s who don’t know it), one of the biggest changes that would come your way is the loss of will. Loss of will to try and convince anyone for anything, even the opinions they might have of you, that are completely irrational. Like in my case, I don’t care anymore what you or anyone else would think of me, you understand and respect my space, you are more than welcome. If you do not get it, you know the way to the door, show yourself out. Don’t bother waking me up, I wouldn’t even see you off, I’ll probably not even notice you are gone.
It is okay, you are okay, there is no need to burden yourself with the responsibility of changing the frog into a prince, he probably deserves it.

My disposition is paradoxical,
I love being alone, I am very outgoing.
I am incessantly loud, also very noiseless.
My mood is dictated by the people and environment around me, or none of it at all.
And I am now okay with being this human,
Acceptance has made life easy, very easy.

I know you relate to it, or maybe someday you will!

The Mirror Side! (6)

The downhill of an eidetic memory!

Have you ever felt a strange contraction in your mental muscles when you’re in a situation and you intend do to something and you end up doing something else completely because of some god forsaken reason?

In my case, it mostly will be only because of my eidetic memory that restricts most of my current actions depending upon what happened in the past (basically my idea of letting an incidence go is highly mothballed, I’m a major pain in the ass that way) I just do not let it go and its not like it doesn’t take a toll on me, it does but well what’s some sleepless nights over self-worth. It’s not intentional, this is just my make, i’m manufactured this way, guilty as charged. But practically speaking I cannot be held guilty for putting myself first, don’t we all… we do! ( And please don’t start with this whole – I put my family first etc.- in your head for god sake,- I’m not putting the obvious people in the same basket like others) I mean otherwise.

So, I have an eidetic memory with massive toppings of a PhD in how to never forget things. One I never forget and second it’s like a videotape that I can play in my head and watch it a million times if I want. Sometimes it’s an amazing feeling to recollect things and feel it all again but there are times it feels like an alien hand syndrome, you are the one choking yourself against your will. In moments of vulnerability, it will be at its spike to remind you of everything you want to forget desperately.

I have married (pretty loyally) the idea of revamping my mind over the years in a way that I intentionally forget what hurts or makes me vulnerable. My relationship with vulnerability hasn’t been that amazing, I hate the idea of believing that I could or will ever again feel it (again – because I have been there in my early adult life and it was scarring and of course a brilliant transformation point, but scarring). I was raised with way too much preaching of self-worth, and it runs through my veins now. I don’t feel a person is valued unless they value themselves, if I don’t hold my place high, you will not either. If I allow a certain emotion to seep in through a leaking spot, I left open, it will be put to misuse (and it has been, but I’ll give myself that I was just starting to grow up).

It has been almost a decade since then, and I have grown up to understand if I want something, I will want it on a simple term of acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, how I am and how there is no need for anyone to tell me how to live my life (unless asked). It’s significant to value the faith instilled in you by someone, the handing over of their weakest points, the very tough decision over permitting authority over some rarely sparked emotions, the irresponsible and maddening passion released without a blueprint of intimacy for once, the basic and the most obvious things – words!

The earlier it is understood that as much as language is beautiful, it is wrenching as well, the better. For a person of my mental ability who hardly ever gets impressed or agrees easily to anything, the agreement part means quite a lot. Agreement in language, in thoughts, in standing by words, in bringing the force of nature down when intimate, in being on loggerheads all the time but still knowing where to stop… there has to be an agreement that is respected and maintained.

And if not, I will always know my way to the door!