Living With GAD – Generalized Anxiety Disorder!

Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Yeah, that’s what they call it!

Well, I had to first acknowledge the glitch and then accept that the highly driven me is not just restricted to being driven, it’s more than that.

Hi, I am a fully functional grown woman at 30, and welcome to my life with 16 symptoms of anxiety and depression, collectively. And as much as I write this for you to read, I write it more for myself to make sure I vent it out and I’m not losing my mind. The idea of ending this life seems more familiar or rather high on value lately (about 3 months) than my history of being excessively controlling of my life.

But then, it’s a battle to remind me every day, woman, you got a lot of Netflix series to watch before you go. So, keep telling yourself,

“What do we say to the god of death?”

“Not Today”

-Game of Thrones.

I cannot even begin to put in words, how much it took out of me to accept that there is a problem mentally that I have to address in me because I have lived my life in so much drive that it was nearly impossible for me to buy that my drive is slowly killing me. I need to slow down and breathe. I have been running, running so fast, away… away from everything and everyone. The feeling of not wanting to talk to anyone, not be around humans, was something I always believed is a part of me.

I completely ignored the fact that I come from a past of being a social bug, when did this feeling crawl into me of staying away from everyone? It happened without realization, and over the years, slowly hollowing me from inside while I was busy thinking I am growing up and that’s how growing up feels like.

No, it doesn’t.

This is what isolation feels like, and you can’t be in love with isolation, it’s not healthy. But, to be fair, I love it right now. The fewer people I have around me, the more I appreciate it. However, I am trying to fix myself one day at a time. Sometimes I want to shut myself inside a room and not come out for days and somewhere inside I also want to run away and take a solo trip, just to see if I am still that decade-old crazy me who would just do things at her whims and fancy. Maybe not, or am I? I’ll know in time!

The last few months have been a roller coaster ride in my life of breaking stereotypes, going against my parents (which to be honest I always believed would only happen in a different lifetime, regardless of how temperamental I am/was/would be), addressing my mental health, psychiatric help, learning ukulele, Insomnia, appetite loss, dangerous levels of caffeine, writing my diary, overdosing on sleeping pills, loss of oxygen or say feeling choked, paranoia, high fluctuation suicidal tendencies, mood calming pills, reasonless crying, aggressively standing up for myself and losing my mind in the process, smashing the patriarchy, meeting an accident, panic attacks, avoiding the infectiously strong will to end it all, learning to be okay with giving second chances to life and myself… Ahh, I can go on and I still wouldn’t have listed it all.

A normal day in my life looks like waking up to puking, or crying which I do not know the reason for and it is very difficult for me to explain it to someone who doesn’t know how GAD works. The brain is just wired to make you feel like you want to cry like there is nothing left in life to live for, and that feeling is hard to fight, each day. But, I’m trying, and medically my psychiatrist has started with CBT – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which honestly is sometimes helpful and sometimes it seems like it’s burdening me to perform well – when I absolutely do not wish to.

No matter how many things I list, I know I would miss out on many. Nevertheless, I will try to write it all down in the following posts. So, if you are one of me somewhere out there, hang in there. I know exactly what you are going through.

I am listening!

X End X

20 thoughts on “Living With GAD – Generalized Anxiety Disorder!”

  1. Anxiety is always self inflicted for events which are either out of our hands and which never happened but we think of the chances of their happening in future,, I think only remedy for it is to stop overthinking about things we have no control over,,, we loose dreams we get some that’s life

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      1. Pills are hard to chew dear friend,, I know it’s not easy, it takes time, it takes time for everyone , and it took time for me too,, I am telling you the ultimate remedy will be this one ,, rest all things will just try to divert your attention , you will be cured when you will accept it finally,, and I apologise if it was hurtful to you,, though never meant to ,🙏🏻

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  2. I can understand it because I have also gone through it. Being introverts, for most of the life, I have remained alone. I don’t like to be among the crowd. I am not social. I prefer to be alone rather than going to social gatherings. I have very few friends. I don’t talk too much because no one understands me. I don’t know where I am going. I don’t like the job that I am doing. Often I feel that I am not living, just passing the life without any joy. Life is tough, you have to be strong and keep hoping for some good to happen. That’s all we can do. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. as per neil finn. we are together alone no one on the mobile phone. freak out. freak me freak you not a part of the so called community nor mainstream. scream for me and with me.t y

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I respect you. It can be so hard to understand what is going on within. It takes the slowing down and listening to oneself to get to why reactions are occurring. I am 62 and have spent more time this last year paying attention than I ever have. No One knows you like you Know You. Others may mean well, but they can’t know, because they are not you. Thank you for sharing your life. Holding you in Holy Love.

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  5. It’s just you need some air out.. being a socially active is your forte and I guess we all are missing that since ages.. due to various reasons..

    Go out Solo once this pendamic stops… Maybe you can visit mountains or beaches.

    Pills kill us always have been doing it. Just don’t rely on them.
    Seek help from your mother, the only human to understand your rush in this world.

    Try to grab few old friends whom you left way behind in the rush of being perfect infact being a good wife,a daughter,a homemaker.

    Call them up randomly for once. Check out if they fine.

    This all needs a lot of courage to do and yes mentally you can be drained out to do all this but only way out is to come up peacefully of this..

    Meditation has been a boon. LORD SHIVA Wil always help you out.

    I know you must have tried all this but yes this will ONLY help you out to get out of this mess.

    Homeopathy medicine has been working wonders if taken regularly

    God bless you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi,
      Unknown follower.

      I don’t even take advice from people I know, what makes you think I would from someone who hides behind a veil of anonymity?

      But, thanks for the suggestion. I appreciate your time and energy. Everything you stated, if you think hasn’t been already tried and tested, let me hold you corrected, it has been. All the conventional and non conventional ways have been tried and believe you me, failed at, miserably. So, unless you got something that isn’t age old philosophical and basic, don’t bother.

      Thanks, again.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I can feel what you going through, trust me am with you.

    Anytime you need someone to talk to can mail me nopromomails@gmail.com.
    Won’t judge you for being angry,you have the right to.

    Name doesn’t matter but yes the healing matters. The positivity matters.

    Nam-myoho-renge-kyo
    Peace is the healer. Shiva is the healer.

    if all the advises I gave you were already taken then this is not going to take long if u try more.

    Take this sportingly but don’t stay alone as this will kill you,stick with your family. I have been through this and trust me it’s worse.

    I know it’s hard for you but yes this is the only way out, you might have other thoughts too but that is for sure not going to help.

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  7. Hey ,

    Wonder if you took my advice seriously or not. Probably I might not want to give the best of advise but yes it’s genuine.

    Kind of worried about you as my sister is also having anxiety issues.

    Suggesting you to take homeopathic meds.
    I know it might sound wierd but still will say PRAY LORD SHIVA.
    He has the power to heal every soul.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. could relate to this a bit. at times, just would wish, that i didn’t lose all that i did, so as to become the person i’m today. nvm.
    wishing you the best. may you pave the path, that leads to your revival.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. An reading your peice, there is parts in it that make me see an reflection of me. Thank you for your blunt, eye-opeing article. It has arouse in me serious questions, as it make me become more aware of some dynamics of Anxiety Disorders, my saving grace has been my faith and belief in God. Thanks for your honesty and engaging article.

    Liked by 1 person

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